Oh the past few days have been a rollercoaster. Or the past...however long it's been since I've been here last. Feels like forever. (Wait now, I have to go back and check.) (Oh right, our picturesque walk on the Bruce Trail. Lovely.)
Well since then we've welcomed October. (Hi, October!)
And there was Thanksgiving. On which I wasn't feeling particularly thankful.
I was feeling angry, and emotional, sobby even. As was everyone else in this house.
And I've been staying away, not really knowing what to say about the whole thing.
It was one of the darkest days I've had in a long time.
Dark, in that I didn't much like my kid. I didn't particularly care for myself either, nor did I feel particularly thankful for anything.
And I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I felt lost. I felt like I was supposed to be the fricking leader of the pack, and I had no idea which way to turn myself, never mind lead the rest of them.
In hindsight, the day wasn't all that bad. We started with finishing the work on the basement that we had started the day before. Drywall, and fun things like that. It was actually really good. I finished cleaning up the basement, Steve left for work, Mom took Corben for a walk, and then he fell asleep for a nap.
And then Griffin lost his shit, followed closely by the rest of us.
There was a lot of crying. A lot of difficult parenting moments. Some of them I rocked. Some of them I sucked at.
And at the end of it all, I was drained. And felt like I was the one that needed help, as much as or more than my kid did.
I saw a LOT of me in Griffin that day, and it was as terrifying as it was enlightening.
And as fast as the insanity began, it was over.
Monday, was a new day.
I was DETERMINED to make it better.
I put bread in the bread maker. Lunch, taken care of. (Lets not talk about the bread that didn't really rise properly and ended up being a small brick of flour rather than a large loaf of bread, m'kay?)
I put dinner in the crockpot.
And then I focused on taking care of the kids, and taking care of me, and just ENJOYING the day.
And it worked.
Because without all that, this family, our home?
I would be even MORE lost than I felt that day.
I may not know what the hell I am doing all the time. (OK, most of the time.) But I do know that I am thankful to be given the chance to try, and have this opportunity to figure it all out. I'm thankful for my husband for working extra hard so I CAN take care of our home and our children, and for my Mom for coming to the rescue when we need a helping hand. (And just being here...which kept me from TOTALLY going off the deep end, in the name of
Trying to Keep My Shit Together.) I'm also thankful for this community, who has welcomed us with the widest of open arms, and is ALWAYS willing to lend a hand, as often as we are willing to ask for one.
I am grateful for all that we have, and the chance to make it into even more.
Thanksgiving in a nutshell. A big, emotional nutshell.
Oh what fun! ;)